I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
