The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How external is "for external use only"?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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