Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Couch. On fire.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
