Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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