he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
