i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
