I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
