I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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