I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
