i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
