Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
