My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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