it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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