I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
me + whiskey = a bad person
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
