i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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