What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
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it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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