I think I just saw someone hide a body.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
