These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
