pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
