I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
