I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
