So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
