Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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