just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
