So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
