How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
