i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
