I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
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We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.