im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right