i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So many bounce houses so little time
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Randomize
