So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The uberlube is also flammable
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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