If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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