I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
