My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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