i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
