Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
