Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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