So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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