I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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