i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
