My first STD was from a foam party
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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