Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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