I'm laying in your front yard are you home
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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