I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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