Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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