If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
