I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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