Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Green mimosas i think yes
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
