Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
