I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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