Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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