life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
