guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
