Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
