I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
3 2 1 whiskey
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen