I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
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He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
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Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter