You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
